Choosing Love Over Clarity

I don’t want the lessons of this year to be lost the moment that we can “get back to normal.” I don’t want to forget that I can’t control the external variables of my life or life around me. I don’t want to forget that the only certainty we have is uncertainty itself. I also don’t want to forget to notice the joy in the smallest things. I don’t want to forget that connection is what I craved the most this year. I don’t want to forget that love is the singular most important choice that I can make.

Last week my family and I traveled to Costa Rica. In the weeks leading up to our trip, I started to feel desperate for clarity while simultaneously struggling with focus and getting basic tasks accomplished. When it came time for our trip, I knew what to do to find the answers that I was seeking (or so I thought that I did). I left all work at home and set off with my family and my very specific intention for the trip: decompress, get out of my head, out of the “I will figure it out” place and allow the answers to come. I was fully committed to connecting with myself, my family, the water, sand and sunshine. I was so ready to exhale, ground, center and allow the clarity to show up. I was ready to move from my reptilian ego brain and align with my Inner Wisdom, The Holy Spirit within me.

It took me five full days to get there. Five. This is somewhat astounding to me given that I coach how to do this daily and instantaneously. What I didn’t fully realize is how fried my nervous system was after navigating this past year on top of the last four years of living in a fight or flight existence. On the third day of our trip, the Boulder shooting happened, 15 miles from my house, and sent me back into the fear-based response that I’ve grown accustomed to.

I still kept very focused on my intention. I was taking in every element, every new sight, all the flowers and animals and waves, new tastes and smells. I chose the “gratitude” stone for my massage and stayed vigilant in being present and aware of all that I’m grateful for in my life.

Slowly and surely, the figuring it out, hamster wheel of thoughts that are constantly circling in my head dissipated. Groundedness and calm showed up, and answers started to surface. Of course, they were not the answers to the very specific questions that I was asking. And that is when I realized that the clarity I have been seeking was actually a need for control in disguise.

A sneaky, ego trick that I fell for. Again.

Recently I was listening to a podcast with anthropologist, psychologist, and spiritual director, Alexander Shaia, who beautifully laid out the history of Easter and the message of the early church.

“Death and resurrection are the moments in your present moment life when you learn how to lower your ego, sacrifice your own ego desires, and learn how to live for the larger purpose of Love.”

And there it was, the answer that I’ve been seeking all along. “Jill, lay down your need for the answers themselves. Trust in your greater purpose and connection to The Holy Spirit and surrender all outcomes. Be yourself, connect to Spirit and allow your life to unfold.”

This past year has been a massive death and resurrection time for all of us. Death of the ways that we used to do life. Death of those beliefs that we ever had control in the first place. Death of the idea that we got to dictate how life was supposed to go.

And in its place, we all discovered what really matters most to us:

Love.

May you find peace in the ambiguity of what your future holds. May you connect to Love within you and around you. May you surrender the outcome and be present to your right next step.

If you are curious how to discern your next right step, reply to this email and schedule a Courage Session with me, where we will spend an hour helping you get back on your right track.

Keeping the faith,