That Time I Trashed The Rose

Do you open-heartedly receive gifts, compliments, love? When a friend wants to help you out, do you say, “Yes, I thought you’d never ask!”? Do you like all the attention in the room? If yes, you are my hero. If “Not so much,” same girl, same.

As my heart was mending from a big breakup in college, I was asked out by a super nice guy to go to the James Taylor concert. I loved James Taylor so even though I probably didn’t really want to go on a date with the Super Nice Guy, I said, “yes.”

Super Nice Guy came to pick me up, dressed really nice...and was carrying a rose. It was all really nice and cliché. I wanted to die. More specifically, I wanted to hide and pretend that I’d gone missing. I didn’t. I smiled, was “nice” to this poor guy, and accepted the cheese - I mean rose. I don’t remember a thing about the concert or the date. I do remember returning to the house, walking in, and promptly trashing the rose.

I can look back and see clearly that what was masking as “I don’t like cheesy” was really a fortress of walls protecting my heart and a mountain of unworthiness that seemingly lied within.

I love to give. I love to spread love and kindness. I am ALL here for love. After all, we live in an infinite universe made up of Love energy. I choose love. I am love. Love for days - unless it feels too close, too vulnerable, too risky.

As a kid, I loved Valentine’s Day. My mom and my dad showered me with heart gifts and love before I even left for school. I loved taking cards to school for all of my friends and getting them in return. At home, we celebrated at night with special dinners and heart napkins. My birthday was 8 days away so it felt in many ways like the beginning of a Jill love fest and I was here for all of it.

Then I grew up and like many of us, in that process came a lot of heartbreaks, failures, losses, rejections, and shame in all shapes and sizes that informed me to put up all kinds of barriers to protect my heart. I got uncomfortable with Jill love fests and learned how to deflect. Letting love in became a completely different story and something that I am still working on to this day. Not only am I quite terrible at receiving it, I’m a master deflector. I don’t get close to friends, I’m not cuddly with my family, and I generally keep everyone at an arm’s length.

This is where acceptance, compassion, grace, love, and courage come in.

Courage is a heart word and by its very nature can only be ignited with vulnerability leading the way.

There’s a reason why my work is all about courage. There’s a reason why being so courageously, authentically YOU is the foundation of everything that I do as a coach.

As women, we are master givers and doers, and caretakers of others. As a general affliction, we are not so awesome at the receiving. We wave off offers for help, we don’t want people to go out of their way for us, we would rather give the gifts than receive them.

Without courage, without me trusting that no matter what, I will be ok, that no matter what, I am loved, that no matter what, I’m never alone, I can’t let the love in. My biggest area of growth is and will probably forever be letting love in. I live with the intention to courageously give and receive love.

Isn’t that why we are here. To love and be loved?

Happy Valentine’s Day to the givers. May we all hold onto the roses knowing we are worthy to receive and let love in.

Sending you love,