This Wasn't How it was Supposed to Go...

At the ripe old age of five I said, “Raise your hand if you like the color yellow.” Evidently my kindergarten teacher didn’t love the interruption. With zero regret I replied, “Well, look at them. They are all bored.” The story has been told many times over the years and while I can’t deny that it sounds like something I would have said and done, I don’t actually remember it. I have no way of knowing if I was sensing my fellow classmate’s emotions or straight up projecting my own feelings in the moment. Maybe these newsletters are similar. Instead of us all being around a table in the classroom, I use social media and regular modes of media/pop culture, the experiences of my coaching clients, and navigating my own day-to-day to get a sense of collective thoughts and energies that many of us are going through. Reflecting on this boredom question, the only thing I can say about that is: wouldn’t it be nice if all we had to worry about was boredom and favorite colors?

This week I have the honor of being in Bacliff, Texas, a tiny town on the Galveston Bay between Houston and Galveston. I’m here to help take care of my 96-year old grandmother so that she can care for my grandpa who is days away from his 99th birthday. Grandpa decided after a long, wonderful life that he is ready to checkout. Weeks ago he stopped eating and taking his meds. Everyone thought that would be it. I guess deciding you're ready to die and your body stopping working are two different things. (I’m pretty sure that heart and soul and Spirit have a say in this as well but that is over my pay grade.) Over these weeks, my grandmother poured her energies into caring for him - and having a whole lot of emotions, both of which are incredibly taxing on a small lady. She lost a ton of weight and was becoming frail. If she wants to stay in her home so that he can leave his earthly body in his own bed, she needs some reinforcements. So we cousins are stepping up and stepping in.

Grandma and I were talking over her massive breakfast yesterday (we are working hard to get meat on those bones of hers). She was articulating that it is hard not to know how this is supposed to go or what we should do. She said there isn’t a rule book for how to do this. She’s right. There is no playbook. No linear steps for us to follow.

Isn’t that true of life?

In only the past few weeks I personally know two women who have been diagnosed with breast cancer and one woman is battling cervical cancer - all three are mothers with children to raise. My neighbor’s beloved dog of 14 years crossed over the rainbow bridge and a friend is trying to nurse her cat through cancer. A friend took in her son’s friend because his mom’s boyfriend kicked him out of the house. I’ve seen kids with broken bones and pictures of friend’s children who have fallen asleep on their computers because school at home in a pandemic is dreadfully boring. And I will name but won’t go into the internal struggles within our own walls and hearts that I’m privy to as a coach: worries, concerns, struggles, fears, doubts, uncertainty, anxiety, and more.

We are navigating this life of ours, filled with our own stuff, in the midst of a world-wide pandemic with no playbook.

Umm. Can we pause for a sec and acknowledge that this is not easy? Last week I invited you to acknowledge yourself for all that you do. This week, I’m inviting you to acknowledge all that you are navigating energetically and emotionally, and to give yourself a little break. After all, this wasn’t how this was supposed to go.

Someone said to me, “Jill, what can I do so that I feel better? Just give me the steps, tell me 1.2.3. I get the whole mindfulness thing but I am an action person.” I don’t subscribe to steps per se because that implies that we are all the same person dealing with the exact same things. In some ways this is true: maybe all of us five-year olds really were bored sitting around the same table. But the truth is we are not one-size-fits-all-women in a one-size-fits-all-life. The truth is - there is no playbook.

Here’s what I know to be true: None of us like hard life things because we don’t like to feel hard life feelings. We have worked so hard to try and control the variables around us so that we don’t have to experience the hard feelings.

Well, the jig is up! Nothing will force us to step into our soul invitations like life happening contrary to our own grand plans.

What is my recipe for experiencing joy, happiness, hope, meaning, purpose, and peace when life is super hard? Well, before I give you the steps, know this: This is a practice. It is both linear and simultaneous and all over the place.

Feel your feelings: Yep. Allow yourself to feel them without judgement. Feel the sad, the anger, the rage. Feel the grief. Feel - don’t judge or try to displace or gloss over. BE in your feelings. Honor them. Give them space to be felt. To breathe. To be let out. It won’t take long: One ugly cry. One journal session of feeling out on paper. One-minute hitting a pillow. Feel.
Grace: Give yourself high levels of grace. Permission to feel. No judgement. Grace that you can’t fix it. Grace that you can’t take away someone else’s disappointment. Grace for your own.
Compassion: Pretend that one of your children or a dear friend calls you up sometime in the future and shares with you that she is going through exactly what you are currently going through presently. What do you say to her/him? Do you judge her and tell her to pull up her big girl panties and trudge on? Or do you say, “This is so hard. I’m sorry you are going through this. I’m here for you. I love you.”? Do this very thing for yourself!
Acceptance: This is the big one. The doozy. The hinge. We can’t get here until we’ve felt our feelings and allowed ourselves to be in them without judgement. SO much to say about acceptance. Let’s start here:
The Serenity Prayer
“God, grant me the Serenity to Accept the things I cannot change, Courage to change the things I can, and Wisdom to know the difference.” Reinhold Niebuhr
This one can sound real shitty when you are in the depths of uncertainty, grief and despair. That is why I don’t like giving steps. This one doesn’t work before you’ve spent some time in the aforementioned steps. I’m going to share it with you anyway. (I’m ducking for cover.) Curiosity and Imagination: Yep. This is the Light that shines in the tiny cracks of our sadness. It is the honey that takes that bitter away just a bit. This is the step that connects you to your Higher Power - to Spirit within you and surrounding you. This is the step that reminds you that as the trees release their leaves preparing themselves for barren branches and months of winter, they will sprout new ones again in due time. This is the step that reminds us to glance back at hard times of yesteryear and acknowledge that we have gotten through hard things before and we can do it again today. This is the step that leads us to read or watch redemption stories as life-giving affirmation that perhaps there is a greater purpose to our pain after all. This is the step that requires some faith - in ourselves and in the whole darn thing. This is the step that whispers: “Maybe this is why we are here.”

I have been reflecting on the thin line between my grandfather being only a few days away from his birthday, while simultaneously wondering if each day will be his death day. This human journey is all a thin line between the stuff that we are dealing with in the everydayness of our lives and our greater soul invitations. Pretend for a moment that you are 99 years of age and you look back on this time of your life, what do you see in yourself? What wisdom does your 99-year old self whisper in your current self’s heart?

Mine is saying, “Hey, Lady! Don’t miss it! Don’t miss the gift of this time and the lessons and the wisdom and the more than meets the eye stuff of your life. Notice the leaves falling and the skin wrinkling and the love and pain shared amongst your people. Maybe this was the way it was supposed to go all along. Raise your hand if you like the color yellow! You’ve got a life to live. Go live it!”

If you want personal guidance, I am currently accepting new 1:1 clients. Schedule a complimentary 1-hour Courage Session today to see if we’re a good fit.